|
[06 May 2008|03:02pm] |
|
with the exception of my incredible boyfriend, life is one big pile of miserable shit. i hate money. i hate needing as much money as i do right now. i hate macy's. i hate jail. i hate the bank. i hate the dmv. i hate how dirty my kitchen is. i pretty much want to scream. and i'm done looking on the brighter side of things because they never seem to get much brighter. i'm not giving up hope of life being good, or anything. i've just accepted my fate that shit is always going to go sour in the long run. so just expect it.
|
|
|
[12 Nov 2007|09:14pm] |
so. i was with a boy. and was very happy. but he wasn't. and i recognized it immediately. i asked him if he was ready for this "relationship" and turns out he wasn't.
during all of that, my father had a stroke. a minor one, but none-the-less, a stroke. so his health is on thin ice. and it surprisingly is making a huge impact on my family life.
i quit my job at starbucks for no good reason other than i was feeling sorry for myself. something i'm not too proud of, although i feel liberated. yet i'm quite broke as a result.
i have a job interview on the 20th for a macy's cosmetics counter. hopefully that goes well and hopefully they'll be understanding to the fact that i'll need 2 weeks off starting dec. 17th. i'm not holding my breath.
i'll be in south carolina for 2 weeks on the 17th of december.
getting out of california is the best thing i could ask for right now.
the ups and downs of my happiness are becoming unbearable. nearly 2 weeks ago, i was so happy that not even a ton of bricks smacking me in the face could've brought me down. well, maybe it would have knocked me on my ass a bit. but not nearly as low as i'm feeling right now.
and there you have it, my current life.
|
|
|
[07 Nov 2007|07:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
ouch :(
|
|
|
[20 Oct 2007|05:59pm] |
|
he makes me happy.
|
|
|
[14 Aug 2007|01:07pm] |
i'm still alive.
sorta.
basically everything i've been wasting my life working for has rotted away. so i don't know what it is that i'm left with. nor do i know what it is i'm working for. or living for. or striving for. or waking up for.
i'm not feeling sorry for myself, though. i've just fallen into a lethargic state of mind. i need my spunk back. hell, i might just go dive head first into something totally unrealistic. try to make do with what i can, or something.
that is, if i find a stir of motivation to lift me out of this ditch.
|
|
|
[12 May 2007|02:49am] |
I'm spiraling backwards and losing myself.
what's it going to take to finally make me a happy person?
|
|
|
[01 May 2007|02:33pm] |
i miss them...
sooo much.
|
|
|
[26 Apr 2007|01:28pm] |
last night went well.
hunter and i ventured out to the city and met up with chelsea. we went to a cute little bar, and typically, i spent all of my money on fancy drinks. i met a few nice people. i got to see dee, which was wonderful. all in all, it was a great way to go about entering my "adulthood". today i'm 20.
|
|
|
[09 Apr 2007|09:32am] |
my birthday is soon. i suppose it's not too big of a deal... to me, at least. if anything, i just sound a whole hell of a lot older. which is a nice reminder of how i'm doing nothing with my life. i need to know what i want to do with myself and i feel as though i'm running out of time. i've experienced different places. the best of places, in fact. i just don't know which one is best for me. hfdsfgytoq73ydfgb78w4hg i'm so frustrated. i'll make the best out of whatever life gives me.... but i can't stand feeling like there is so much more out there for me to have. whatever. i'm lame.
i sort of miss having a relationship. granted, the last one i was in didn't exactly work out (and for the better), i still reminisce on how nice it felt to be in a relationship that made me happy. that's what i miss. a relationship worth having. but lately i don't even try because every place is the wrong place to look for one. oh well. i'm too damn picky for my own good anyway.
so there's my update. i'm going to be 20 and have about as much aim in life as a jellyfish. A LONELY JELLYFISH, MIND YOU! ha.
|
|
|
[08 Mar 2007|01:12pm] |
i guess i sort of did drop off the side of the earth for a minute. i'm going to try to keep my updates more frequent.
long story short; i moved to LA with crystal. i found a job. we're staying in pasadena until we both can afford to get a place. i've been here about a month, and so far there hasn't been i don't think one boring night. it's hectic and unhealthy. the absolute opposite of sacramento. i've met so many new people and made new friends. i'm probably going to wear myself out eventually but until then, i'm too happy to be out of sacramento.
|
|
|
[27 Feb 2007|10:08pm] |
i left.
and things here are so much better.
i've been here for a couple of weeks.
tomorrow i have 3 different job interviews.
trying to get on my feet.
|
|
|
[31 Jan 2007|11:17am] |
|
so i think i'm moving to LA
|
|
|
[19 Jan 2007|04:38pm] |
still alive.
hair is longer.
room is still a mess.
i'm a slave to my car finances.
and the occassional pack of cigarettes.
i daydream more often.
my wisdom teeth are painfully reconstructing my entire mouth.
unfortunately, i don't have a spare $500 laying around to cover the surgery.
so i guess we'll see how much damage is done before my parents sympathize their daughter's general healthcare, and pay for the procedure.
i'm nearly 20; and as terrifying as that is for me, it's also a very dissappointing awakening.
i need to step up my life.
|
|
|
[24 Dec 2006|06:20pm] |
this year doesn't feel like christmas.
our traditionally spent christmas no longer exists.
it's just me, mom, and dad.
the tree is in a different spot than it usually is. the stockings are out of place too. my mom wanted a change. i don't like it.
she also wants to open all of the gifts tonight instead of the morning because we're leaving early to go spend the entire day with one of her old friends from madrid.
we never go places on christmas, or any holidays for that matter. we always stay at home and enjoy the day with our family. so the idea of spending christmas day with some huge family that i've never even met seems unappealing. i'd feel intrusive. and i'll more than likely feel anti-social. i don't know. i guess it doesn't matter. my good christmas memories have just created standards of how i'll enjoy the next.
on another note, i'm not happy here.
at all.
i think i may leave soon.
if only i didn't feel so stuck.
i miss my grandmother.
and it doesn't feel right without her presence.
especially this time of year.
|
|
|
[12 Dec 2006|02:08pm] |
soooo i've been transfered to the galleria body shop for the most part. pff. yay. my gas bill will be through the roof. but at least i'll be getting more hours.
anyways, hope everyone is doing well this christmas. blah blah. etc. etc.
|
|
|
[01 Dec 2006|04:11pm] |
another one bites the dust.
god fucking damn it.
all i know how to do anymore is laugh.
|
|
|
[20 Nov 2006|08:20pm] |
i'm working at the body shop now.
i still work at hoppy.
just juggling 2 jobs.
and realizing that i have no life.
and no friends, really.
it's weird. i spend a lot of my free time either eating, napping, or watching t.v. with my dad. it isn't a very fulfilling lifestyle.
the holidays are here and it doesn't feel like it. this thanksgiving, instead of having dinner with the family, like we normally do, my parents and i are ordering sushi and watching everybody loves raymond. i think there may be torte involved. which could be a good thing.
i'm tired of feeling so alone. i've BEEN tired of it.
i'm just going to smoke more weed and watch dr. phil.
|
|
|
[09 Nov 2006|02:15am] |
i've never had strep throat before.
i always thought it was a really bad cough/sore throat.
except it's way worse than that.
the back of my throat, my tonsils, the back of my tongue, and inside of my cheeks are covered in blisters.
my glands are swollen to the size of golf balls.
swallowing takes soo much effort and hurts like shit.
i can't talk clearly because i can't open my mouth very wide.
i keep getting fevers and stomach nausea.
and it's too physically painful to eat or drink anything other than water.
if any sugary or salty things touch the blisters it starts to sting and i salivate uncontrollably.
and i'm so fucking hungry. and i can't even eat. this is the most miserable i've felt since i can remember.
and this is the 1st year i don't have health insurance. it fucking figures. so now that i have to wait in some dirty ass hole in the wall clinic tomorrow, for god knows how many hours, probably catching 10 other illnesses from the sick people there, i'll have to pay for 10 days worth of medication to get rid of this shit. 10 fucking days. and it won't clear up on it's own. i HAVE to get antibiotics or it will turn into more serious problems.
oh. AND!
one of my wisdom teeth is starting to grow in, and beause of my illness, the tooth has now become infected from the bacteria. so it needs to be removed before it turns into gum disease.
vicodin and tonic water have been my only companions.
|
|
|
[08 Nov 2006|06:03pm] |
|
i miss new york so much right now.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
endthisugly's journal
excited